Ula chose recovery

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My name is Ula, I am 19 years old. I am a runner, nursing student and recovered from an eating disorder.

I would like to share my story to inspire others to choose recovery and to break the stigma around eating disorders.

I began Recovery in September 2016 from Anorexia/Bulimia which I had struggled on and off with for a few years. I have been a healthy weight since December and mentally well. My long term goals are to become a Nurse and run a marathon to raise money for the ED charity Beat.

An eating disorder is not so much about food and weight and looks. It's a coping mechanism, a way of blocking out feelings, a need for control. Ironically the further you fall into the eating disorder the more control you lose. You don't see yourself as others do.
It's not just wanting to be thin, it's about wanting to eat but not being able to or being out of control and unable to stop.
Its wanting to get better but fearing losing control. Its slapping a smile on your face and acting ok
Its living a double life.
Endless walking and taking the longest routes.
Avoiding socializing and the webs of lies.
It's loneliness and isolation.
It's pushing people away so they don't see this part of you.
It's missing out on life.
It's not being vain or ungrateful, it's an escape and a terrible addiction.
It affects people of all ages and backgrounds.
It's not about being an attention seeker.
It's wanting to disappear and not be seen and looking as small and insignificant as you feel.
It's hiding in baggy clothes and being freezing in the summer and loss of circulation. 
It puts you at risk of osteoporosis and amenorrhea.
It's hair loss, muscle cramps and dehydration. 
It's gaps in memory, sleepless nights and waking up at 2 am with pins and needles worrying your heart will stop.
Its strained relationships, lies and loss of trust, guilt, shame and blame.

An eating disorder is not a choice but recovery IS. It's something you have to choose everyday but it is 100% worth it. You don't just gain weight you gain back life and personality and can rebuild relationships with family and friends that you may have lost.

I would urge anyone who is struggling to seek help and not suffer in silence.

King Regards,

Ula