Sarah is a recovering alcoholic who gave herself the gift of recovery
I felt like a total loser. Like I had nothing to offer this world and that everyone could easily go on without me. I felt like a burden to the people around me. And the only thing that seemed to fix this problem of mine was to drink and drug. When I was drunk I could replace the loneliness with numbness.
At the beginning I felt a sense of belonging when I drank, I could drink away the outsider that I felt like. And when I sobered up I couldn’t bear the pain of living one day with myself. So I drank more. And then I could forget even further who I was. The belonging I felt when I drank quickly was replaced with feelings of deeper distance, distance from others, distance from myself and distance from God. I was an empty shell of a human. I was a body filled with nothing. All I seemed to have inside of me was a sick desire to destroy myself and everything I could possibly become.
I entered my third treatment centre at age 20. I listened to everything they told me. I surrendered all control of what I thought was the way I needed to live my life. My brain was broken and it was trying to kill me. I learned that I had a very deep spiritual malady and I needed God’s help.
This beginning process of recovery was just the start for me, I was like a 6 year old child and I needed to be taught how to make myself food, how to support myself and how to be an acceptable citizen in society. I had to learn how to respect myself and others, how to set clear boundaries and how to be in a healthy relationship. This took me years, and I am still learning how to cope with my addictive, diseased mind. Sometimes I feel like my mind has been poisoned and my thoughts continue to pulse more poison through my veins until my whole body is sick. And this happens to me even in sobriety.
This disease is something I have to continue to fight daily. I have to remind myself constantly that I am an alcoholic/addict and I need to live a certain way if I want to stay alive. I no longer feel like I have to hustle for my worthiness or prove that I am enough (Although some days those feelings creep back in). I don’t have to act impulsively when I feel deep despair, I can reach out and connect with others because I know I am not alone anymore.
There is so much freedom in my life today. My eyes can see reality and my soul can feel love. The obsession to drink has been lifted, and although I have cravings to drink from time to time I now have a choice, because I have been shown a better way. I can be truly grateful for the life I have now and I have accomplished more than I ever thought possible. I am happy, joyous and free. There is a life in store for you that you don’t even know is possible, and I hope you give yourself the gift of recovery so you can find who you were meant to become.
My name is Sarah and I am a recovering alcoholic.