Erica found self-love and freedom

Like every story, it matters!  

At one peak in my younger years I found a relationship I was finally capable of giving myself to. An attachment where I was able to express vulnerability, it made me feel like I could become anything, granted an undying trust. This relationship gave me happiness when It entered organs, it gave substance to dry soil, water was no longer hydrating. It made the grass look greener on the other side, but not long after time went by, weeds grew everywhere and every live branch I obtained eventually turned deadly. I began to ask myself how this relationship with alcohol went from feeling like we were so in love, to this is no longer working for us. Isn't it funny how being in love with most matters, we feel as if we can't live without it, but reality is I was never truly living with it, I was slowly dying. 

I tried throwing myself out of a moving vehicle along the expressway in front of a ten year old.  As we all wish these embarrassing moments would remain a one time event, my episodes were becoming an ongoing process. The episodes continued intensifying, which became the murderer of my subconscious ego, alcohol had built up and crowned for years. It subsequently led to a few attempts of suicide, one night my partner came out to the living room to find me accompanied by the entire kitchen knife set hiding under a blanket. A week after I promised myself I wouldn't drink, but the mental relapse had kicked in and I was convinced that I didn't have a problem. That night I phoned my best friend at the time and told her goodbye, I tried drowning myself in the bathroom. I was aching so much, but hadn't stopped to realize I kept fueling what caused this internally. 

At the time I couldn't see it, my vision was driven by alcohol and I was simply bound to crash, I had fully lost control of my life. The next time I drank I repeated certain patterns and remember crying as I held my last shot, I wanted to quit but didn't know where to start. Enough is enough, already. I ended up running out of the place, I contacted my entire family and asked for support, I deleted everyone's number I ever partied with, I got myself a program and a sponsor and I started to put in the work. When you get sober, it feels like taking out a dam, the emotional flood and continues to urge for balance and health choice rise. You get the opportunity to make choices again, to rebirth your dream and grasp what you really deserve out of life. 

I spent every day in the gym since I became sober and started writing a business plan during the bus rides to and from school, work and meetings. One day I shared my story to someone and they happened to be an investor, he told me,"your passion reads profit." He later invested in my sport based recovery center and changed my entire life. I found my purpose that was on the right track.  Now in 2017, I have launched my own business. It's a Sportswear company that donates money to addiction research, cancer society and distributes free exercise guidances to substance abuse recoveries. We are in the wait of our recovery centers full licensing process to go through and I will be able to fully start to help change people's lives.  Opening up a recovery center became of dream of mine when I was about 10 years old, it's exhilarating to know this wasn't given to me at an earlier time, I wouldn't have appreciated it then. The universe often waits for the time your blessing Is deserved. 

Every addict deserves a first, second or third chance. Even though we make mistakes and took way more detours than needed, doesn't mean we don't still have a genuine heart, loyal personality and dreams. It's a matter of capability, are you willing. An addict may use exciting moments as a reason to indulge. My advice is to always remain strong. You have to set your mind forward along this strength. The words that always helped me were, "when the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of change." I suggest trying a range of techniques toward embodied awareness. Thinking through the substance or behavior, urge surfing, keeping busy, mindful distraction, loving-kindness meditation, movement in any number of forms, aerobic exercise, dance, yoga, walking. Most importantly; awareness of the experience of non-clinging.  I hope you find self-love and freedom. A spiritual way of life creates peace where we once wanted chaos. I don't know about you but I wouldn't trade this for a drink. 

Self-love is substance, 
Erica Capelli

AlcoholKevin ZurekComment