Brittany is finding strength in recovery
The girl on the left would have been horrified to know she would become the girl on the right. I would have looked at the body I have now and thought "I will die before I look like that"
And I know for some .... my recovery still doesn't look "good". Muscles are gross, it's too much, I am too much. My thighs are too big. I wasn't even that small before... blahhhh blah. I get it, I've been there. I AM there a lot of days still. See? But eating disorders aren't just about weight and "strength" in recovery (for me) isn't just about gaining muscle. It means I can do more, be more. It's the strength to travel around the country to see my favorite artist perform, strength to plan a wedding (because guys... the mental struggle is real). It's the strength to go out all day with my friends and family and not feel like the effort might kill me.
Most importantly I can be a good mom to Joplin. I can listen to her stories and actually hear her. I can let her be a kid and have patience with her. I can take her to a playground and actually play with her. I have the strength to help her learn to navigate this world. I can love her and her dad fully.
Strength in recovery isn't about physical strength. It is the mental strength to keep going even when the day beats you down. It's the ability to hear "you are grotesque, you are too much, it's all too much" -- and admit you are struggling and reach out to the world for support. I still struggle. I still wake up each day and weigh myself (for the first of many times each day). I still body check in ways that don't even make sense anymore. I still have days where I am so discouraged and feel so gross. The difference is that I TRY (and mostly succeed) at not engaging in behaviors that I know won't benefit my recovery. I am not perfect. I still fail. I still look at women who are skinny and think ... "what if I just got a little smaller...." But.... Today I feel proud to be the girl on the right and I am going to continue to nourish my life.
-Recovery Rockstar, Brittany